I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
