If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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