Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
