You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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