I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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