I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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