worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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