he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize