Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Let's get the cat blown out
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
