Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize