that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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