i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
