How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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