Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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