Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
