Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
