There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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