Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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