I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
