I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
