Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
