look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
