That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
