Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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