Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
