3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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