I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
