New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
