I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
