I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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