I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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