Cold hands, warm shart.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
