i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
