god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize