you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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