I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
