He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
