quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
