I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
