Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
