My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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