so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
