life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize