Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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