I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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