ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
