I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Everything about him screamed your future.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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