Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
