I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
