Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
