This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
