My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize