I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
