Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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