make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
