Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
